June 17th 2020

Ben hadn’t been heard from for three days when we called the police.  

When they found him it was obvious they thought he’d been murdered but they wouldn’t tell us anymore, just that there was evidence of an ‘attack.’ 

After a more thorough investigation – or as thorough as could be during a national lockdown – they came to the conclusion that he had somehow done it to himself, recording it as ‘death by misadventure – cause unknown.’

But how could someone do that to themselves, cause those kind of injuries?

It’s a painful thing to admit as a mother but if I’m being honest I never really knew Ben that well, he wasn’t one for talking about his feelings. None of us were really. And I can’t say for certain just how hard he was taking everything that was going on.  All I can say is I just knew deep down that something wasn’t right.

And then we found the files.

It was Jess who told us that he’d been keeping an audio diary of the pandemic and only then did I realise that the thing we’d found in his flat was a recording device.  It took me a while to find the strength to listen back to what he’d recorded and part of me wishes I had never done it.

I don’t even know why I am doing this.  Perhaps I’m just hoping that even though nothing can bring Ben back to us, maybe someone out there can give us some answers about what exactly happened that night. 

And to Ben, my son, we miss you and will always love you.  


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